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starvexed lovers and blank space

Stuff’d outlet  at nex mall only opens at 10.30am, im starving for a chicken quesidella. i feel like emptying my shelf full of books typing them online, especially the law ones, but that may not help me understand how to be a better paralegal. i don’t know im confused. im tired of being confined, but saying bye bye eternally to uncle dexter who’s gonna be shot tmr is hard. ive been confined at home for a year now, not going out because people felt unsafe. listening to taylor swifts love songs, makes me feel vexed about  my love life. i wonder if someone had already dragged him away before i noticed he was gone or he was back and replaced, i geniunely feel troubled about my love life. people (who are definitely gonna end up raped) tell me to not take him seriously, and see other guys.

People say guys with money are a better deal. but im so vexed when they say that. how do you know when you’re getting together with a person forever and ur willing to wait billions of years to see him again. or 50 lifetimes. there’s so many questions i want to ask him like i’d like to get an answer now.


medical dream come true

well sometime ago in 2011 i came to be in existence again in the world, we had just returned from the war fleet guarding spaces across the moon. i was given a foster home and a foster name and didnt dare tell the doctor i was seeing for our depot injection where i came from or that i was american russian. And after experiencing life at the hospital i was very keen on working in the hospital as one of them, i have an education qualification in medicine and law and engineering. i didnt know how to approach the doctor to tell him to check my records as the army didnt send them my records and died.

so i recently decided to talk to the doctors at imh about it via email and i had to prove as im an immortal i first became invited to work at the hospital in 1910 that seemed very hard an idea to impose but i tried it. and the doctors found my records in cambridge and oxford. and im gonna be taught to be a doctor again! this time im gonna specialize as a psychiatrist/ in a 1000 years time. its definitely not a long wait for me as ten years have already gone by living here. i’ll be starting work on my law firm here first in hundred years. my family sadly might not grow old enough to see that happen and i am to live alone just down the street. i feel this is really truly a blessing. life seemed so difficult 10 years ago dealing with enemies and my parents always encouraging me to attend occupational therapy at the hospital as if i were an invalid. But i was praying and wishing at the fountain that god would end this war and i’d get to live alone and be a doctor and lawyer. i think prayer works. and talking to people about what u wish for. it was very touching that my original doctor faced a difficult situation like us too at the beginning.

when i knew nothing about what was happening in singapore and the situation people were in, i just ducked over and helped pull people out of trouble and protect young kids. now im happy i didnt even expect to use a computer ever again but a fortunate pass from my friend and uncle led me to have a new phone and computer cause i did them favours. always helping a failing friend always helps and is a courtesy i realized. i also realized i’ll miss my family, my dad works hard to make furniture fit in my room and helped me laminate my table with a pink paper so i could be comfortable using the computer. my mom cracks jokes to keep me occupied and grandpa dexter is always there to lend a helping hand.

i think with a willing heart to serve and earning a good soul god will hear our prayers and cries at night and fulfill our every wish. thank you for listening and may god bless you.


i just realised we are gonna be linked to A famous s blog going on trial  and this blog is already defunct. For a couple years. Great gods of Giza. I’m like back in time to see what I was like. Hope to write on a blog soon


im up, ive been very constructive lately, i was just downloading songs from cascada and the veronicas, i was thinking how fine it sounded like songs i wrote before, and when i got into deciphering the music, this dawned on me: There was once a man, who didn’t know what he could do, he thought he was a great man and being erased with time, but until he reacted to it, and wrote songs, did things to prevent being gone, was he great. Because he’s somebody else he didn’t want to be. “created” and “done it”, he became a creator. faded disappear in the dark, slipping away as i disappear in the dark. Now whenever someone’s lights went out he was there to write a song. they even told him how he should wear his hair, or change his hair.he didn’t have concernts now but he was real artist playing in the minds of others nobody knew who he was but he dsiappeared in the dark, ‘im so far away from where i was at the start’. they tried to erase him till he wasn’t there, he had problems, but now his problems were gone and he was doing more in fact, in stead of just thinking of himself, he became the voice behind the world, representing its thoughts and things. he is popular man, but his path became narrow and he’s alone. and tired and saw alot of work to talk to people, but he was potentially facing problems around the world that wasn’t his side when he grew up, he became a shape for people to think. when they were lost, he was searching for his core.


*another thing i think i shouldnt bullshite to my foster parents about is that i can’t be a lawyer, cause im a doctor. and i should sit for med school exams again after high school exams.

*i should go to the navy cause thats where i can sail in the ocean and write music.

i see this doctor, so into the future and music, he brings it back to a civilization that has nothing, and he parties with his patients, and makes people up he shares a vision of a new year parties and goodwill. he may not be like them, but he sure would contribute, the whole hollywood is just his following. he’s the voice. its just like an angel had put music down on earth for everyone to listen to. in the city of angels. los angeles. a mind has to be accompanied by a person and a personality for it to be real.


*purchase latest beats and synth sounds and keyboards.

* a part of this peronsality is what you allowed and built in myself to accomodate to their demands, that i fall in line with e’s character, that is why it isn’t real, the younger lost one.


i like watching world’s strictest parents, its alot like how my life’ss like. they’re so strict on school jesus christ, ive never even been in school before. hows it going to be like to finish school and work here i wonder. i’d skip school too if its too much. finn and i used to play hookie when we were stuck in school. now its just like can you work to support yourself? i don’t know. do you think im really spoilt? people used to treat me so well and nice in singapore when i was visiting. none of all your strict things, but sometimes i think their really psycho being so strict, my parents (fosters) here aren’t even like that. i wasn’t wild i was in a gang, but i never did anything i didn’t want to. and now im stressed out about getting a job here, they treat you like slaves. :p  i like memphis and the auzzie guy in the show they get along fine. i never got to mingle with non humans and their familes which make up most of the world i think. so i don’t know what their thinking or what they think. but  i like to have fun. i love aussie kids how they look on top of the world when their having fun and they bother posing around a car and make you happy. if i go to school i don’t know how its like to finish. i can’t even study for my exams now. i know it’d be good for me to finish school here though. and to get a job thats reliable. be a reliable person. maybe they want what’s best for me so i sometimes get transferred here and there i never get to meet auzzie young people though, i miss them and miss my friends. i wonder if we met will we get to talk? i do wanna re finish high school and then go to a good university. make my foundations right. so i’ll check out the high school online exams. although i could just do a diploma exam. and get into university and finish it well. i should check it out and finish well. man i miss my aussie friends. i know their pretty innocent, they don’t get married and their fun to be with, a pash. i just want to get a cinema job and see how it goes.i don’t know why its so hard and maybe do school later when im better. i should go and ask at nex, sucks if its bad for me cause i go there to watch movies all the time. i feel that my life’s better in line with world’s strictest parents, it was always about how i was going to be raised since i was little. they always fret about my discipline and how im going to be raised.

i should just stay at home now its a good deal, and figure out what i want to do. online degree would probably be better. i feel like a wild childe here. i mean people don’t dye their hairs blonde and wear contacts, but its because it suits me better. and i don’t go to school and don’t work. i feel like shite.








i feel i think im really spoilt, all these years in army i didnt have to do nutes. just because you come out of the army, doesn’t mean shite **** oh well.

i just discovered why lie about being from the army to my folks (foster), just sign up for the army and i get my barracks and my life back again. i find certain individuals really shameless, their already married with 3-4 kids and on my back about how sexual they are and how their so feelie, doight, nobody wants a giggolo joe on their back is what my computer would say. it doesn’t mean jackshite if you’ve been a celebrity or if your not a celebrity, wasting all my money in your stunt, i feel thats ive had it with his lookalikes. they’re doing enough damage and we need to pull that shite back and get rid of it. that was what happened when he retired, lets make sure we don’t forget how he gets when he’s itchy for flavour.

well i just returned from a good dinner, we went to an old turf club and had abalone, sharks fin, roasted pig, crabs, but of course the dutiful vegan awaits. it really wasn’t that bad considering a glass of coke was all i needed to spurt my day’s energy’s worth of diet and recuperation. im off to watch the world’s strictest parents, it really makes my day seeing someone else going through what i go through everyday with my foster parents. ever since the invasion came, god knows whats happened on land, people seem barbaric and have forgotten their civilization or is invasion just like that?

i wonder what would d.b think about world’s strictest parents, huh nothing to shine for anymore huh, flirty tirt. you aids ridden dirty tirt. i sometimes am aware that its invasion people im dealing with not just some shiny fella that got left behind when the invasion happened and we all ran, and i havent been over it eversince i keep seeing their faces pop up, last time we used to see them and think oh gosh their dead. and now they keep flirting with you like some aids ridden thing, i know the guys got something wrong there. cause no one does that. if their sane.

This show the strictest parents in the wrold is awesome, i get to see how other teenagers behave when their told to do their chores or they cant do things they like, cause ive always been ostracized cause i do my chores and do my things well and i get laughed at when i tell them i come from a strict background all over with other people’s houses, i get to see them cry when they have to do a drug test, awesome! awesome show. i may not be like your regular young person, but i feel like a granny watching this show saying its awesome. Awesome for people to meet foster parents who are crazy over control. thats how you put control into your life. i love it when pugs or dogs come into your bed in the morning and greet ya. its so kind and nice. i like that kinda life. but my favourite home was the country! yeah we got up early and worked in the farm and i loved it. i got alot of love. i don’t know if my parents know this after giving me up, that i had a great time and have to live with alot of families and people during my spare time in and out of the army and life. i don’t rely on their money or trust funds anymore and just make do with life. cause thats all we’re gonna get out of it. i remember on the farm when someone first gave me my big break and gave me a job i was so high, that meant i could afford things people couldn’t as a kid. jobs were my life. i just felt so relieved and released.

i just woke up from a short nap, thats how it is these days, napping and trying to get life right. im alittle afraid what people might say, but its just alittle nap i need rest, ive been exhausted after a long time fighting a war as a spare handieman. one thing that crosses my mind is that i don’t know how f and n were raped. they are very pleasant fellows, and attractive and nice, but u need to watch out for yourself when some adults behave hornily and irresponsibly and are complete rapists and nutjobs. you n eed to protect yourself from rape and threaten and learn to kill people if they dare harm you. because your body is your sancitity, your temple you musn’t let anyone ruin that for you.

i heard from my foster mom that her nephew was being raised out of military service, as a sailor, and he was to roam the oceans. I found that so refreshing, and a change even though they looked down on it and were shocked at what he did. I think its important to give a young man a sight of the world and a pair of legs to support you. To back you up for the rest of your life, in any incidents.

my hands and lungs are hurting alittle from getting sick. I think ive been dreaming alot lately and its pretty weird dreams im getting but its probably from the astra zenaca that im taking that takes you to astral forms! high! im taking it as a form of anti psychotics and anti schizophrenic medication so i won’t get sick from other people. i feel good doing that, cause sometimes you can catch a little fever and the noise doesn’t wear down.

i keep hearing really good music, i should just write some tracks and record them into an album while im here.

how it feels like

so this is how it feels like to feel responsible to foster parents, wanting to stay at home and stick to them. i always thought sticking to people was being needy, i didn’t see it as someone feeling responsible for their feelings of responsibility to another person. im sick at home and all i wanna do is talk to my foster mother. she just gave me some leniency, let me slide on a job. and stay at home cause im not feeling too good about it right now. adjusting to my foster home. i didnt know adjusting to a new country would be this hard, its not like its america, or something. i can’t even tell my friends in america that im from america originally. but raised in russia. its so absurd. i want to do something, new movies out guys there’s lotsa good movies on now. i wanna catch all of them. i know i can be quite a movie buzz, but thats what i like to do with my time. i dont feel so bad now i finally dont have to go for a job interview for once and stay at home. i am quite aware ive been at home continuously all year, i think im making progress here adjusting.


im pretty nervous tomorrow im going to call up the office i previously worked at and apologize for leaving. im feeling down, out and jitterbugged. life wasn’t previously like this at all, it was all high or nothing at all and im in an in between and  i don’t know how to feel. i used to have nothing, and nothing to apologize for except killings and murders in between at a sacriledge land. i feel bad inside myself, that i hate everything in the day and just want to be done with in this land and go back home, but something tells me i wont be home forever and will have to leave like this if i want to preserve my life. im going crazy if i don’t tell nobody about this i feel like im going to blow.

what my situation is, i fell in love with someone from the prisons, he looks like an old friend of mine, and im crazy about him but he won’t be released cause he’s in there for life and after 9 months we will be disconnected. i don’t know what to do except what is to come. and that is devastation. sometimes i feel when we dont know the end is what it is, we shouldn’t choose outcomes for ourselves. like i would still be working hadn’t i feared deadlines, death , stress, threats. which are normal in work.

jimmy was actually a great athelete a great bouncer, but he threw it all away when he felt he couldn’t handle the stress at being great. but he gave himself a chance again and went back to the limelight, he apologized and said it was part of his mistake that took him away. and he came back fully bouncing and he was even gona get married. jimmy was a great guy and everybody looked up to him. he quit blaming himself for everything he was responsibile for in the past that didn’t fail just died off cause they grew old. he gave himself a chance at forgiveness and left it all behind. he got back his job and decided to work instead and was good at what he did. thats the end. he was glorious because he continued at it.

go be a paralegal cause your great at it!

2010-2013 i had a dip i was doing nothing even though i was jobless. give yourself a chance to be an american lawyer again. 🙂 prepare for american law school and application after working for a long time in a texas law firm as a paralegal. people of your calibre should be lawyers assistants or paralegals.. you get what their saying? not sweeping or mopping people’s tables.

im going to do everything right this year, no more sweeping tables and chairs, im going to give my self the chance that i want to. im going to work and be brilliant as a paralegal, and im going to fly to the states and pay some money for josh to write me, and im going to see him and we’re gonna get married and get in a relationship. im going to straighten out all the work places i used to work at. im going to be smart and not destroy myself.

i cant believe i went to school and blogged ! i don’t even remember this blog existed. im so happy i gave myself a new chance to start being a paralegal. its alot higher and hopeful than the other jobs i have. they say this place may be tearing me up, but i don’t think so. i won’t lett it take me to shreds. its true this place makes you sad most of the time. but i won’t let it take me down, it even made me lazy and tired of picking up my clothes cause they kept messing it up. but ive been wanting to throw away their trash for a long time.

adam was the first and the beginning they said, of course he wasn’t but. adam’s love for his first true love would always stay wouldn’t it?

the scientist is telling me to go with the job at the steak house and tell the law firm no, if they decide to hire me. because it might possibly collapse the entire zombie hierachy and stop earth i must consider it, and plague us with national disasters, and the steak job might be easier in the long run and not to run to america and marry josh lusk, that its a temporary sadness im feeling cause i have his babies. i feel bad. but what he’s saying is very true. most of it would fail if you keep building castles in the air without concrete and brick and support system. all i have to do here is very easy get a simple job, do part time and full time later and support myself. easy peacy! and talk to the scientists and people underground in the long term. and he says don’t post the letters. but im itching to hear from penpals, but their probably psychopaths is what we’re deducing.

That it may be first hard but its just initially, i can get a good job later on and climb on and do hr and administrative work.that i ought to go with the medical plan for me as it gets me places, part at a time.


I did nothing wrong but the system will fail again if i work hard and get stressed, cause its powerful and i do have a powerful mind and abilities. i decided to leave my room unpacked again because of other people who’ve left their things in my room, and it’d cause a commotion if its too clean. I’ve done this with other people in mind not because of myself, and i can’t say im great unless people are happy and living happily. so i’ll just message cherie and get the steak job interview down, go for work. and post some letters.